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8:28 a.m. - Sunday, Nov. 02, 2014
a mess of insides
the unease never leaves the pit of my stomach. ever.

i go to bed thinking about him. us.

i dream of him. us.

i wake up thinking about him. us.

i dont even know what i want. i dont want to be with him with things as they were. thats no life for me to live. but when he ignores me it drives me crazy and i feel i cant take it.

right now my stomach is a jumble-jangle of knots, butterflies, piranhas, and jumping jacks.

if we are going to break up, id like to know so i can start to move on.

if we are going to talk and work things out, id like a little reassurance of that. i dont think that that is too much to ask.

i hate this. when will i be happy again? i realize when i say that that it means i was happy before. maybe i wasnt over-the-rainbow-happy, but i was definitely content. now i find peace in nothing. maybe sleep i guess. but dont let me wake up in the middle of the night. then i can never quite fully reclaim that serene slumber.

ugh. my stomach is so nervous. and for what? im just alone by myself in bed on a sunday morning. early. i guess ill go drop the kids off at the pool, do some stretches and get on with my dumb lonely, ignored life.


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