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12:30 p.m. - Saturday, Jan. 17, 2015
the goodbye john
had a dream about him last night. or early this morning.

i think we had not seen each other for a while. or at least, hadnt allowed ourselves to be so physically close for an even longer while.

i rubbed my face on his. rubbed my cheek on his cheek. pressed my forehead to his neck. breathed in his smell. his essence. inhaled everything i ever loved about him in one breath.

we pushed our lips together. not in a kiss so much as our lips just needing to touch to become each other to be reminded they are there.

and then we did kiss.

it was warm and safe and heartbreaking and lonely and an escape and my heart's prison.

i'd just come from being with someone else. i was afraid he'd smell the stranger on my face and he didnt.

though i missed him something terrible i knew i didnt actually want him. i wanted to be able to hold him forever and let him touch me forever but itd never be just like that and i didnt want anything else from him. he sailed that ship like a pro-pirate far away from me long before.

it makes me feel... makes me miss him and his hands and his face and his scent. but nothing else.

and that makes me feel empowered. it makes me feel like..not like theres hope exactly per se...but at least hope...that i wont forever be fearing time moving further and further away from john and jordan.

i dont want to dream of him ever again.


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