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10:39 a.m. - Thursday, Feb. 05, 2015
I'm okay with turning 29 but I still hate who I am

my heart...

well..i try not to give it time to breathe air and know how terrible it truly feels.

i keep it locked away. man in the iron mask style.

hmm..but if i recall...he escaped and became king..

it is heavy though. really, really heavy at times. i lose hope every day that it ever wont.

and then i reel at the possibility that this will just be my life forever. ill be alone living with my mother acting like a teenager forever. either having to sneak lovers in through the back door or having to introduce them on our first date. being miserable and angsty forever. never being on my own but being completely fucking alone...

one of my biggest fears.

but i try. not to let those thoughts have air. i smoke. drink. work. eat. sleep. anything to not think.

i wont always be able to do that. one day..ill have to face life as it comes. head on. ill have to feel everything i dont want to feel. but for today, i think i feel it enough- even through all the suffocation. it still comes through- exists- holds me down- makes it hard to breathe...

im a dummy. an idiot.

ive had sex with two men since john- both unprotected. its like im asking to get knocked up and ruin my life even more. that needs to stop. thats not at all ever even a little bit what i want.

it didnt even feel good or feel worthwhile or anything. made me feel disgusting and even more alone.

i keep waiting to wake up a better person. wake up in the morning a skinnier person with motivation, drive, and strength. and each day that i dont, i deal by getting high and floating through the day. hoping, wishing, almost actually believing that the next day ill be different. better.

all right. pity party's over.

hes with his ex.
jon's coming back in to town today.
maybe two can play that game...
that would definitely maybe make me feel a little better for maybe a whole five minutes..

happy birthday to me.


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