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9:43 p.m. - Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2015
dum dum dum dum dum
what am i doing?

from all angles it looks like pure. dumb. shit.


and i thought i had it all under control. i thought i knew what i was doing. i thought i was doing it maturely, responsibly.

yet every single step i take and choice i make turns out- almost immediately- to be wrong. almost like a superpower i have.

i feel like i cant even begin to explain. i just keep figuratively and literally shaking my head. s. m. h.

i just deleted POF. i was about to call it a waste of time. but it wasnt. it actually was the best way to pass heart and pain time. that site- or app or whatever- really did help me by helping me put myself back out there. helped me imagine the possibility of being with other people. but now- im sick of nothing but solicitations for sex.

i told kris i liked him. i did. i missed him when he dropped me off. i thought to text him all times of the day. i liked being around him. i genuinely liked him.

so we played house for the weekend. got drunk and shared a bed (we shared no genital space. just kissing.) i was really glad to be giving it a shot. but...

there was no anticipation of "is he gonna go for my hand?" there was no buzz through my body when we kissed. there was no desire to constantly be touching him. there just wasnt a lick of a spark. which is really, really unfortunate. i wanted there to be. but i know him too well. i think its a permanent friendship.

except. maybe its not. not since i told him how i feel. or, how i dont feel, i should say. he hates me now. but i couldnt let it go on. i couldnt let time pass, knowing how i feel, letting him say things that were really hard for him to say to anyone. i know that if the tables are turned, i would feel so stupid for any emotion i shared with someone who doesnt want me. and thats just what he said- he feels a fool- a joke. thats what i wanted to avoid. thered be no easy way out. but the sooner the better was definitely the best. and now he doesnt want to know me. went so far as to tell my mom to have a nice life. in nice words- that doesnt sound so nice, but he meant it nicely. i just paraphrased it bluntly.


i want to say i fucked up by opening that door with kris. but i dont think i did. ive always wondered. and now i know. i may have lost a friendship in the process but i truly believe we will make it through this in time. we've been friends for 9 1/2 years. we've been thru friend break-ups and friend make-ups so many times over. hes part of the reason i changed my phone number once. just..time. like always. and in the meantime..ill fuck something else up...

i opened a door at work with someone and i fear that since our first drunk encounter after the employee christmas party ive developed cockfright. its not just pure fear of the dick (as john pinned correctly directly on the head) its also a self-hatred slowing me down. and i made him think i was a certain way and i fear ive gained 10 lbs since our little rendezvous 2 months ago.

ugh...twenty minutes after that paragraph ^^ and i am over updating. im over writing this entry. im too busy doing stupid things and flirting with my ex, Jon. The same ex Jon who may or may not have been the father of my unborn child and who refused to support me when i needed his help during that time. but thats like..where i am right now. i dont even care. hes dumb. i dont see any sort of real future with him. i think hes crazy with bouts of schizophrenia and is crazy even without the schizo part..i dont like anything non-superficial about him, really...i like that hes my ex and that John is dating his ex. I like that he is friends with john. i find him attractive with a plentiful penis- if i recall..its been 9 years but i doubt its gotten smaller. im on a dumb kick. he loves me. and wants to hold me. and im willing to let him probably.

ok. im done here saying dumb things. feeling dumb. my heart is seriously dented and i have no idea how to undent it. all i can think is dumb things.


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