12:20 p.m. - Friday, Nov. 04, 2016
dumb fux
i told jason last night that id be waking him up this morning for morning sex.
i went home and shaved. everything.
i woke up at 6:45 this morning to give us ample time for love-making, bed-shaking, shower-taking, and cuddling before i had to skedaddle to work.
i woke up. but i did not get up. i laid in bed. thinking about tk.
fucking tk.
he has my heart. and soul in so much turmoil. but its not him. its something wrong in me that keeps me from quitting him. he has done nothing but fuck me over and (mis)lead me on.
ok yes- he did single-handedly move me into my new apartment.
yes- he fixed my tail light
im really grasping for straws here to think of the good things hes brought to my life.
am i so shallow that i cant get over this kid because of his beautiful blue eyes and boyish charm? while he robs me blind of my money, my sanity, my dignity.
it would seem so. ive never let myself be used like this. if i were to give myself advice...id say just dump the whole thing. its not worth it. you deserve way better than a thieving junkie.
yet..here i am. thinking about him at 6:45am. choosing to lay in bed writing him poems and fantasizing about what translates into literally nothing rather than going to spend time with my weekend boyfriend who holds me and looks at me with loving eyes and wants to spend time with me and who would never take anything from me- he only gives.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i want what i cant have?
i miss him. he called yesterday. i missed it. but im glad. i know he was just calling to ask me for something. hes drained me. in more ways than one..so im glad i didnt answer.
stay tuned for poems. smh
