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5:52 p.m. - Monday, Nov. 13, 2017
all over the place and nowhere good
if i just sit here with a big dumb smile on, i look happy. if i look happy then people are nice to me. and, if im being honest, when im this miserable...i dont mind people being nice. so, i pretend to be nice. pretend to be happy.

inside im roiling. every thing inside me is being jostled by the rough seas of the blood coursing through my body 24 hours a day. i feel like im falling apart atom by atom. i feel each atom separating. like taking the band aid off a big gash and they've been together too long they start to become one. through showers and sleeps and days. when the normal hair starts growing back. when the skin begins to scab over and comes back fresh and new. the wretched pain and fear in anticipation of the pain. but you have to pull of the band aid. but it hurts so much. so slow and sticky and painful. thats how each of my ripping apart atoms feel. i left band aids on far too long. and it was all just worse off as a result. i inflicted extra unnecessary pain. its the same down to the atomic level. it hurts. constantly. and theres no light. the only light i see is the end. but its not so bright yet. i could just be making it up.

ive given up. i quit. all the cliches. white flag. stick a fork in me. ill never find the love ive dreamt about almost my entire dreaming and living life. i am sick of wanting it and getting only the briefest of hints of tastes- vague scents of happiness waft past me every few months. it literally hurts me to want to be loved anymore. so, im done. it hurts a lot to say this even.

ive gone round and round with myself on this.

"dont give up! it always happens when you least expect it."

ok. so, ill leave my house each day like ill finally be loved: care put in my appearance, a sunny disposition, optimism for the world and everyone in it. after so long of putting forth the energy..its gone. the energy. the care. the optimism.

then i say "fuck it. fuck it all. doomed to die alone. yada yada yada."

that lasts for a week or two til im sick of being sad so i become my normal self.. just quietly hoping that the first time i laid eyes on hector and fell in love instantly wasnt just a fluke and that it will happen to me again and i wont let go this time.

ive wandered this earth in that melancholy medium for years. with hopeful and hopeless spurts woven in between.

but i dont want to anymore. i dont want to. i keep saying in my head- if you say youll never be loved, then you will never be loved! but i dont know what else to say. i do understand a little better now.

how can i let someone love me if i cant love me? how do i just start loving myself?

but i DO love myself! i think im like the best thing since bread.

i also think im fat, ugly, and stupid. and anyone who ever chose me would instantly regret it and ill just get hurt and never get back up.

im so fucked and so fucked up.

im afraid i require too much love. i fear if i ever got wouldnt ever be enough. because i dont feel like im enough.

im afraid i have so much love to give and ill never get the chance. that breaks my heart most of all.

im mostly over john having himself a beautiful tan little baby.

i want michael. i want him to want me. could i ever let him have me? would he ever actually want me? the answers to those is no. and another tiny crack in my heart. but all these thoughts play over and over and over in my head all day every day. a trillion little splints.

i wonder often just how ill finally crack.

will it be a jerk of the steering wheel going 90 on 95? will i go looking for heroin in all the wrong places? will i sell all my stuff and drive as far as my car can take me?

i want him to want me. my heart splints at the thought that i told him not to talk to me but i check my phone for a text from him a literal hundred times a day. (including just after typing that sentence for some fuck reason.)

i dont want to get close to someone else. i dont want to have to grow on someone. wait for them to realize they love me. i dont want to hurt again. i dont know if a few months or years of sometimes happiness is worth this after feeling. afterfeelings from john have torn me apart this year- 2 years after we broke up. i dont want to learn someone new. i want michael. i love him. i think. i guess i wont really know until/unless we get past the i-want-you-to-want-me phase.

im sick of being miserable. sick of being alone. im a fun guy. i guess i was kinda happy last week when i was pretending to be happy hoping itd rub off. i was kinda. it was kind of funny to me walking down the office hallway with a dumb smile on my face. but for the person walking towards me, it was just a smiling person. not the semi-suicidal nutjob painfully forcing her face to take that shape i felt like. and that was funny. so it made me a little happy. people responded to me better and i guess i felt a little better by pretending to feel better.

ill try to pretend some more this week but its hard when the weight of how alone i am presses down and takes the air from my chest. i wish he loved me. but why would he? ugh


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