4:51 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 19, 2018
it is what it is.
this is my life.
i give up.
i dont know how people do it!
this fucking life thing. finding a partner. keeping a partner.
im just sick of it. sick of being alone. sick of the thoughts that go through my head. sick of myself. which sucks because im always with myself.
the other day i started liking someone. and as that like is growing my stupid thoughts are also growing. its like...become an obsession and thats so annoying.
its because its rare. rare that i like someone. rare that someone likes me! its exciting but then my thoughts get away from me.
i realize that i cant stand myself how can i let someone else close to me. i am so insecure about my body so i definitely cant be touched. i snore.
theres more- cant keep track of it all.
with the self-hate and the unhealthy obsessioning im going through, i understand now that i am just meant to be alone forever. it is what it is.
i dont like feeling this way. this one-way pining. even if he does actually like me i know ill fuck it up. im going to have to be content with the chase. the will they/wont they. because i cant take it any further. im fucked up. im broken. and i dont see a light at the end of this love tunnel.
when my mom dies of natural causes im going right behind her. maybe that be my chance to spiral into a drug-fueled sprial that ends in a peaceful heroin overdose.
i just dont want to do this anymore. i dont want to court. i dont want to think. i dont want to hurt. i dont want to hate. myself. imfuckingoverit. i quit.
ps - ty