4:51 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 19, 2018
two week notice
i accept it.
it is what it is.
this is my life.
i give up.
i dont know how people do it!
this fucking life thing. finding a partner. keeping a partner.
im just sick of it. sick of being alone. sick of the thoughts that go through my head. sick of myself. which sucks because im always with myself.
the other day i started liking someone. and as that like is growing my stupid thoughts are also growing. its like...become an obsession and thats so annoying.
its because its rare. rare that i like someone. rare that someone likes me! its exciting but then my thoughts get away from me.
i realize that i cant stand myself how can i let someone else close to me. i am so insecure about my body so i definitely cant be touched. i snore.
theres more- cant keep track of it all.
with the self-hate and the unhealthy obsessioning im going through, i understand now that i am just meant to be alone forever. it is what it is.
i dont like feeling this way. this one-way pining. even if he does actually like me i know ill fuck it up. im going to have to be content with the chase. the will they/wont they. because i cant take it any further. im fucked up. im broken. and i dont see a light at the end of this love tunnel.
more like a dry love well. and im looking down into it. alone. forever.
when my mom dies of natural causes im going right behind her. maybe that be my chance to spiral into a drug-fueled sprial that ends in a peaceful heroin overdose.
i just dont want to do this anymore. i dont want to court. i dont want to think. i dont want to hurt. i dont want to hate. myself. imfuckingoverit. i quit.
ps - ty
