10:24 a.m. - Thursday, Oct. 25, 2018
i showed up and ivan asked for my phone number then he chimed in - "me too! i want your phone number. really bad". - for the briefest of moments I was overwhelmed in the best way. been a loooooooong time.
on eating human flesh, he said if me and him were alone on a mountain and, if he HAD to, he'd eat my ass first. haha. i just love the idea of him thinking about the action. and its a little hot when i think about- even if its like my hacked up butt in the frozen tundra. a buttsicle.
twice now, as soon as i leave he goes right to bed. i tried the whole..i cant find my cell phone thing when i left one night and i went right back to "look" for it and he had already retreated to slumber.
just the little things.
the first night we met i gave him my towel. the next night i took it back. since then, we just kinda share it. last sunday he refused to give it to me- saying it was his. so, from in the pool, i asked him to hand me a different towel. he said no- this is your towel. and he put it in the dryer for me.
he introduced me to his mom.
as his fiance.
but then there are other things.
i asked him to hang out twice and got a no each time.
i have a tiny fear kip called dibs on me. but...no. cant be. i threatened to unfriend him irl if he ever did that again.
but, if ivan does his job, as of today- he will have my phone number and the ball will be in his court. im going to stay away for 2-3 days and see if he reaches out to me.
i have such a love-hate ship with these crushing feelings.
i still hate myself and cant bear the thought of being touched. but its like these warmfuzzies are trumping the fear and insecurity.
like i dont even care i just want him to touch me! its scary. and dangerous. because it doesnt work out for me. like i said- im not meant for happiness, im pretty sure. and when i come down from this cloud of wfs, im going to crash. its going to be dark. and i wont know how i can ever come out of it.
i can already hear myself!
how could i think i could be happy?
its like...because i KNOW how it ends (with me failing miserably, of course) it feels prudent to just not even go there.
just stay alone so i can never feel that pain of being left alone.
ugh but i dont want to stay in the well. i want out. i really do. sometimes it feels easier to just stay in and cover myself with rocks. and sometimes i meet a person that makes me want out. that makes me want to live. in color. that makes me hate myself less.
holy spit on a cracker. this is a long vent. but these thoughts are all violently swirling NONSTOP through my brain and my chest cavity and my guts. when i sleep. as soon as i wake. while im working. perpetually.
maybe this vent will help me focus and not be so crazy.