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10:24 a.m. - Thursday, Oct. 25, 2018
im not crazy! youre crazy!
i just want to bask roll around in every stupid little thing that makes my heart feel a little warm.

i showed up and ivan asked for my phone number then he chimed in - "me too! i want your phone number. really bad". - for the briefest of moments I was overwhelmed in the best way. been a loooooooong time.

on eating human flesh, he said if me and him were alone on a mountain and, if he HAD to, he'd eat my ass first. haha. i just love the idea of him thinking about the action. and its a little hot when i think about- even if its like my hacked up butt in the frozen tundra. a buttsicle.

twice now, as soon as i leave he goes right to bed. i tried the whole..i cant find my cell phone thing when i left one night and i went right back to "look" for it and he had already retreated to slumber.

just the little things.

the first night we met i gave him my towel. the next night i took it back. since then, we just kinda share it. last sunday he refused to give it to me- saying it was his. so, from in the pool, i asked him to hand me a different towel. he said no- this is your towel. and he put it in the dryer for me.

he introduced me to his mom.

as his fiance.


but then there are other things.

i asked him to hang out twice and got a no each time.
hes planning to leave south florida and i dont know when
i cant go with him. i did the math (im not crazy! youre crazy!) and even if i up and ran away, without rent, i have at least $800 a month in inescapable bills. unless i return my car and dont care about all my stuff in storage.
he hasnt really made any moves. has had a few chances. not sure what were waiting for...

i have a tiny fear kip called dibs on me. cant be. i threatened to unfriend him irl if he ever did that again.

but, if ivan does his job, as of today- he will have my phone number and the ball will be in his court. im going to stay away for 2-3 days and see if he reaches out to me.

i have such a love-hate ship with these crushing feelings.

i still hate myself and cant bear the thought of being touched. but its like these warmfuzzies are trumping the fear and insecurity.

like i dont even care i just want him to touch me! its scary. and dangerous. because it doesnt work out for me. like i said- im not meant for happiness, im pretty sure. and when i come down from this cloud of wfs, im going to crash. its going to be dark. and i wont know how i can ever come out of it.

i can already hear myself!

how could i think i could be happy?
how could i think i could be loved??

its like...because i KNOW how it ends (with me failing miserably, of course) it feels prudent to just not even go there.

just stay alone so i can never feel that pain of being left alone.

ugh but i dont want to stay in the well. i want out. i really do. sometimes it feels easier to just stay in and cover myself with rocks. and sometimes i meet a person that makes me want out. that makes me want to live. in color. that makes me hate myself less.

holy spit on a cracker. this is a long vent. but these thoughts are all violently swirling NONSTOP through my brain and my chest cavity and my guts. when i sleep. as soon as i wake. while im working. perpetually.

maybe this vent will help me focus and not be so crazy.


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