12:04 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2018
how many entries have i started with those 5 words?
ill look after this.
what did i do again, this time?
same shit. different dick.
i liked someone.
and thought that maybe...just fucking may fucking be they liked me back.
it hurts. my heart. a lot. i feel very sad for myself.
i felt close to reciprocation. i really did. is my gut so fucking stupid? i cant trust the fucker no more.
but...i will be okay.
after the last couple years where ive had nothing but let down after let down, where i truly felt that alone was all i was meant to be...i saw some light. not The light...but a dollop. it felt nice. its felt hopeful.
i liked liking someone. i liked having something to think about other than being sad and hopeless. its devastating to know that i wasnt good enough to lock it down. to make him need me. but...i did some math today. the way he looked at me. the way john looked at me. the way i looked at them. with the amount of men out there, i reckon its highly improbable that it will not happen again. like..the chances that i will never be attracted to another man that is attracted to me are slim (right?). but...im just doing some more math right now...my chances are exponentially decreased if i lock myself up in my room and dont expose myself to (new) people/situations.
after having a couple weeks of kinda being happy, i dont want to just give it all up because of some dumb dirty pirate. i wont. im going to ride the fumes of feeling desired (if he didnt desire me he played a good pointless charade) and keep my chin up and keep going.
i have so much love to give. thats kinda funny because im so fucking parched for love. i dont get how it works. whatever. not sure what im saying except- im down right now- but not out.