10:08 a.m. - Friday, Dec. 07, 2018
why is this my dumb life? loti. smh.
g finally admitted that he "like likes" me. i do kinda like him. and i know the more time we spend together the stronger my feelings would become. but we dont spend much time together these days. and now hes gone for six weeks.
he says he keeps me at a distance to protect me from his evil life or some bullshit. but its bullshit. but its okay because i dont see a relationship with him. or do i? idfk.
(ha i just realized that i now look at every man with my relationship glasses on. can i see us spooning? saving money for a vacation? grocery shopping? fighting and making up? being ride or die for life? aahhh getting old sucks. i really wish i didnt have these dumb glasses on. i can see it fucking up everything forever.)
and of course ty doesnt give a single fucking shit about me. even though weve had so much fun - i thought...
i dont know shit! im so over my dumb gut. its led me wrong the last couple years. i gotta find some way.
i gotta fix this rut. and my mindset and my confidence. im ready to love someone and be loved but i fucking hate myself and finally understand now how it works- i cant let myself be loved if i dont love me first. i wont let anyone near me. ugh.
shoulders back and chin up bitch.