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10:38 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 13, 2018
im fuckin crazy in the coconut
ha. i just looked at my profile. that shit is from like 15 years ago. some of it is still pretty accurate. though i couldnt bear to read all of it. smh.


im. fucked. up.

the person i am currently infatuated with. (gosh have i matured at all in the last 15 years? still drooling over idiots of the opposite sex. oy) ive come to the realization/decision that he does not like me. he is using me. using me for a ride. using me as an escape. but its not for Me. it could be anyone. i happen to be the most convenient at the moment, it feels like.

so, ive decided to use him too. sure, ill pick you up from wherever you got stuck. if you buy me a drink and hang out with me for a little bit. we both get what we want.... kind of. hes stuck with boring dumb me and im never been kissed jane the virgin.

im hoping that eventually, after more of these convenience hangs, hell realize hes in love with me and doesnt want to be apart. by then ill probably be over him. as goes my life.

i think i have been friendzoned. and i can accept that. if thats the case and theres not a chance of anything more then so be it. then i can move on and we can just be awesome fun friends.

then i wont be tortured.
yelling his name at my phone hoping the universe will relay my message.
being an asshole to anyone around me because he didnt get the message.
wondering nonstop if hes thinking about me.
making neverplans.
having neverpillowtalk in my head.

put me please in the zone of friends so i can fucking relax. i am so anxious all the time around him. like knotted stomach. accelerated heart rate. takes so much longer to get a buzz in that state. put baby in the corner. i dont mind. because they all fall eventually. whether they admit it to me (or themselves) or not- it happens.

i had a thought today. i want to ask if i am officially fz'd. i know it sounds dramatic, depsperate, and thirsty. but thats me until i know. its terrible. i dont want to even bring it up. i want him to! ive alluded many times- if not outright said- that i like him. i dont remember them all. i dont know if he remembers. but i remember vulnerablizing myself. and i dont want to keep doing that. so never mind. im not asking him shit.

this is too long, this entry. but its in my head all day nonstop over and over. maybe writing this up will provide me some relief. some. maybe.

oh also, ive decided to start harassing michael. i emailed him on his birthday. i realized after i sent it some other stuff i should have said. ive gotten no response. so its 1 of 3 things
1. he doesnt accept my apology/has no interest in talking to me ever again
2. hes been working for the last 3 weeks on the perfect response. be patient j.
3. its not an email address he uses anymore. it didnt come back to me. idk.

in a few weeks or months i will write him again i think. i think ill use his email as like another diary. ill just talk to him. itll make me feel like i have him i think maybe hopefully.

and then one day he logs in and his whole inbox is just me. mwahahaha. no. jk. but..idk. i want to talk to him and this may be the closest ill ever get again. i miss my best friend.


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