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10:46 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 20, 2018
does the universe read diaryland?
fuckin kip. i love him. but its complicated.

kip likes me still even though he gets a new girlfriend every month.

last night he texted me saying whats up. i told him i was chillin home for the night. then he drops "ty and his friend are tag teaming some chick on the boat". i said gross and he said he was bored. i said sorry and that was it.

i woke this morning to a text from 130am from kip saying that my "new bestie is a horrible person". i asked for clarification ("oh shit. what happened?") and he said it was too much to text.

1. kip NEVER tells me what ty is doing - because, i presume, he thinks/knows i like ty and thus rarely brings him up to me. but he made sure to tell me when ty was doing something that would make me not like him or turn me off. i see right through you kip.
2. its a gut punch for sure. just seeing that first text. and thinking about it. just 24 hours earlier, i was sitting right where they were debauchering. feeling like i was in my spot.
3. maybe thats not what happened. i went on the boat with two guys the night before and no "tag teaming" occured. maybe kip was just assuming and trying to ruffle my feathers and keep me from ty. that is such a distinct possibility that it makes me sick thinking kip would do that to me to make himself feel better (he and his new gf broke up the night before, so i feel like hes positioning himself to hang out with me more again).
4. yet Another reminder from the universe to drop this kid. sure, he hit me up hours earlier trying to hang out with me and i couldnt make it. but then what does he do? fucks some bitch with his tweaked out friend. but i cant get him to kiss me?! oh great here come the im-not-worthy thoughts. the self-hate. the questions! poorqueeeeeeee??

but seriously wtf. just the night before he was all about me. called and invited me over. i think he lied to me saying kip was asking about me because when i showed up kip was surprised to see me. sitting under the tiki with several other people, at opposite ends of the table, he packed bowl after bowl and made sure to reach over to give it to me first. i never even asked. he eventually came and sat by me. in the car on the way to bimini i was in the back minding my own and he just kept saying my name out loud every few minutes. because he was thinking about me. long eye contacts. up close and from across the room. i mean- come. on. yeah- my gut has been off all year but..this is simple math. or is it? sigh obviously its not. because those things add up to he likes me but when we sleep next to each other theres an invisible force field between us that he refuses to ever attempt to cross. what am i supposed to glean from these things??

Number 4 is what has me torn about kips revelation. what do i do? i really like him. but is he really good? or does he have group sex with people he just met whenever im not around? even if it didnt happen, kip planted a seed (his intention, im sure). i can now totally picture it happening. O.M.G. i just connected a dream i had about him a month ago. holy shit.

in my dream we finally stopped flirting and made out or had sex in a tent in the yard. later that day i was walking around the property and saw him kissing some girl i didnt know who was sitting on the lap of some guy. he didnt see me. i was upset and woke up. fml we Just Finally kissed after so much will they/wont they. and this is what happened as soon as i turned my back. i took it as a sign at the time that this was a bad idea. i did not listen to myself.

now, after connecting that dream and the "tag-team", i cant help but feel the universe is doing everything short of killing one of us to tell me that this is not a good idea. walk away before i get truly hurt. i feel like the dream and kips text (which i dont 100% believe yet) are innocuous signs telling me that he will hurt me. feels like by cheating, but theres a million ways to break this heart. but these things are literally telling me to run for the hills while i have the least invested.

aaahhhhhh but i dont want to! i fucking like him! and it fucking feels reciprocal for once in my life- or at least for the first time in 5 years! is it so wrong UNIVERSE to want to feel good?!!?!?!?!!!?? can i have this? for just a little while at least? i guess if Universe is taking requests, can you please make him love me too?

ugh anyways. again- i hate how long this entry is but these thoughts are bouncing around my head all day nonstop. i saw kips mid-night text at 7am. i wasnt even awake yet but i couldnt go back to sleep. lost an hour of beauty rest this morning. lord knows i need every second.

i have a phone date with kip in a little bit. he is going to explain what is too long to text and what makes ty a horrible person. i dont want to know. but i literally have to.

i keep thinking about when im just going to stop, drop, and roll. gtfo. and how. do i block his number? do i avoid the house? i really dont want to do either of those things. i have 2 amazing rolls i wanted to take with him. fuck. also, we have plans saturday night. so, i was thinking i could ghost starting sunday? or do i talk to him first? actually, it may depend on what kip tells me.

ill be back


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