10:15 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 27, 2018
i hung out with ty a few hours after the last entry. and weve only been apart for the hours ive had to go to work. a total of about 12 hours. in the last week.
every day i feel different. one day i was super cool because what the fuck am i gonna do? hes still going to leave. i cant go with him. so whatever- just l-i-v-e and enjoy what ive got while ive got it.
the next day i was super moody because he says he likes me. he looks at me. into me. and i feel things. but he wont make a move. we sat around the fire. on christmas night. i hated him.
last night he told me his mom thinks im cute. and he agrees. later when i apologized for my monstrous snores he said they weren't bad- they were cute. i introduced him to my friends and he told them were engaged. i was surprised he said it out loud like that. (said friends then both texted me with question marks and exclamation points demanding the tea. that was funny.) it was a nice night.
this morning...i woke up heartbroken. and couldnt not cry. i must have had a good dream where i was fucking happy only to wake up and realize hes on the other side of the bed facing the other way and we didnt touch all night and im not fucking happy and ill never be happy what the hell am i doing spending all my time with someone whos just using me to pass his time im a goddamn idiot. then he rolled over and put his arm around me and buried his face in my neck and i forgot what i was ranting about, where i was, what my name was. all i knew was he was holding me.
but when i realized i had to get up and go to work i got mad again. and thats where i am now. mad at myself. mad at him.
i say i dont ever want to see him again. and part of me means it! but my next thought is "should i text him that i hate being apart?"
this is a rollercoaster with no benefit to me. its a pass time. that. is. literally. what. hes. doing. fuck ME!! but no dont fuck me...that "changes things".
what the fuck is being together for a week straight doing?????
ok. i need to stop. gabriel needs to come home. pierre needs to call me. something the fuck else needs to happen. blaaaaah.