5:36 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2019
i cant make you love me if you dont.
stop hitting me up. stop inviting me out. stop inviting me over. stop staying by my side for days on end.
i guess if he wont stop. i have to. because this is no way to live.
waking up first and trying not to stare. fighting every bone in my body that wants to text sweet sentimental cute things. resisting the urge to grab your hand when were driving and vibing. all of this repression. its bound to give me my first gray.
this is no. way. to. live.
i have become so weak. i let this exact thing happen with tk.
i let him use me for everything while i used him for companionship. he had nowhere else to turn and i allowed him to become dependent on me so id have someone who needed me. it felt almost real a lot of times. but now i feel like its a weird fucking mutual stockholm syndrome. he kept manipulating me and i kept him dependent on me.
its happening again. he needs a ride, so he invites me to hang out. he says its not for the ride but how can i believe him when he chooses to spend all his time with me but doesnt want to touch me?
i know guys.
i know what they want.
i know what happens in bed in the middle of the night. in the middle of sleep.
none of this is applying.
last time that happened, i was letting a junkie leech off of me with false promises that if he was sober we'd be together. hes sober and i haven't heard a word in almost two years.
im stupid. desperate. lonely. but fed up.
i dont want to do this anymore.
its going to be sad for me because he makes me feel all the good things...well almost...but weve been together almost every day for almost a month and one gets used to things.
but i have to put my foot down. whenever he calls i come a running. cant do dat no mo. shit. back to lonely and alone.
which is better? being made to feel like shit all the time just to get lost in some deep blue eyes sometimes? or being alone and feeling bitter and suicidal?
okay- maybe those arent exactly my only two options...but thats kinda sometimes how it feels.
welp..now its time to foot put down. i gave him all of his stuff i had and hung out a little bit yesterday. so- now i just have to say no the next time he wants to hang out. no matter how cute hes being.
i have to. i cant focus. i cant eat. sleep. think. work. study. anything. im miserable. and i shouldnt be. especially if hes not fucking tortured why should i be??
im not anymore. im over it. im going to delete his number now for real all over the place. already deleted him from my texts for the 2nd time in two days.
kill me now.