11:58 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 19, 2019
losers for the win
im such a loser. (im gonna search diary after i post this to see how many time in the last 15 years ive written that)
i emailed michael on his birthday in november. to tell him i love him and to see if he still hates me.
no response. i expected it. havent talked to him in close to ten years. he probably has a new email.
maybe ill just use emails to him as a new form of diary. or maybe someone will reply saying new email who dis?
a couple weeks ago i emailed again. just because. just in case. i dont know. but i knew id not get a response. which is okay. i tried. and his old van is still outside his house. so who knows what the future holds.
he replied a couple days ago.
not paragraphs on paragraphs like id sent. 18 words, to be exact.
but ill take it.
and now im in my mike feelings.
i just spent the last two hours (sorry boss) going through all my old entries about him. i even just read our correspondence from my yahoo days. 15 years ago!
we went through a rough patch when we were 18 when we kissed and things got complicated and confusing and we tried to work out our confused thoughts via emails back and forth.
heres where the real loser in me comes out- i just found myself reading an email of his to me from this time of trying to figure things out. then after going through some other messages i went back to that one to read it again.
then i realized - JORDAN ITS BEEN 15 YEARS stop! also - we stopped being friends for completely different reasons 7 years later. its just that this is all i have of us really anymore.
he says hell call me in a few weeks.
im kinda besides myself. kinda trying not to think about it. but...its all ive thought of for the last couple hours so thats not working.
i hope hes married with children. so i dont have to deal with FEELINGS.
i hope hes not and he loves me.
