5:11 p.m. - Friday, Jan. 18, 2019
my self shattering.
that was 2 days ago.
he said he loves me. considers me not just a friend- but family. ok sure.
why do you call me every day to hang out? why do you call me just to talk? why do you stare at me from across tables, rooms?
why you misleading me?
im hurt. of course. every time i feel okay about myself the universe makes sure to knock me back down to self-loathing.
i shouldnt be surprised, i guess.
just feel stupid.
i dont want to not be his friend though. he might have hot friends that actually can stand to look at me.
i realize- just as i did months ago- that this is my own kip situation.
kip has it bad for me. i am not attracted to him in that way- hes not unattractive, just not my type. but he keeps being my friend and we both are aware of his feelings- we just ignore them mostly. when hes drunk he tells me he likes me. and i say- awww we're frieendss. i love you!
im going to try to do that a little better with ty.
well, knowing that he doesnt want me helps me move on. and maybe hell come around. but- dammit i forgot what i was saying- patrick distracted me with talking about our trip to new york this summer. but what? idfk.
i need a few days. to not see him. to accept how he feels and not be angry. its not his fault i guess. i cant change my favorite color. i cant control who i am attracted to. i understand. but it hurts. and he still calls to talk and see what im doing.
i dont know how much he actually remembers of our conversation the other night. i kinda take advantage of his drunkness- like a truth serum.
a little part of me doesnt believe him. but why would he say it?
but- he said he is not attracted to me then he said im too good for him.
what does me have to do with it if he cant even grow a boner for me? that comes first. ha.
idk. im low-key heartbroken. but also trying to be logical. sometimes they come around. and if not, if he was serious about being friends, (he said ive got a lifelong person in my corner in him) then ill take it i guess.
or im still just used and bamboozled and am just super broken and will let myself get used for nothing in return. idk. idk. idk. idk.