12:41 p.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2017
im so insecure and full of self-hate that i will never be able to let anyone love me.
theres a hottie at work that i cant help but constantly make googoo eyes at. and when he just gave me a little extra attention my initial response was giddiness but it quickly turned to and settled on- why is he fucking with me?
ive gotten to a point where any attention from the opposite sex feels purely like a joke on me. lets toy with the big girl. who has no friends. prospects. confidence.
i dont know why people would want to do that, but i know that they do. they do do it. i hear them joking. i hear it when they think i cant. (not about me- or maybe it is...)
what is it that nigel says and thinks is hilarious...? some bullshit about big girls and them being desperate. then he cracks up.
ive gotten to the point where nowhere in my mind do i feel like someone actually can find me attractive or will. and i KNOW im not the ugliest person in the world- not even close. but thats still how i feel. and it gets worse everyday.
feeling like this really scares me. and i fear it also seals my fate.