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10:33 a.m. - Friday, Jan. 11, 2019
comin around
shoulda killed me when i last requested.

cuz i didnt listen to a dang word i said...

well- i deleted his number everywhere.

didnt speak to him allllllllllllllllll day.

at 8 that night he called me...just to chat...

after a few minutes of small talk i was did you call me? he wasnt calling to tell me anything. or ask me anything. or wanting to hang out...

i miss meee??

he said...yeah...i wanted to hear your voice...i did.

i. melted.

and couldnt hear/dont remember anything said after that for a few moments. the inside of my head was filled with heart-shaped balloons.

last night he called a little after 11 and asked me over.

of course i went running. smh...

but it was not for naught...

we spent very nice quality time.

some highlights i dont want to forget (like i could even...):

he admitted he thinks about me all day- as do i him
the worlds softest sweetest kisses
i helped him find his missing/hidden money- as i promised i would
his hand caressing my cheek
letting him cut my fingernails
his earnest apology that his bathroom is currently out of order- idgaf

last sunday we went over to his friends house. friends wife asked him a question and he gave some vague, roundabout answer. and she noted that hes shit at answering questions. i am noticing this as well.

in a drunken stupor the other night after he left my place (after we'd been together for 3 days or something) i texted that i already missed him (smh- kill me). his response was simply- "youre lying" - i just replied with a kissy face - no hearts

last night, i lamented that he's fucking leaving me in a couple months. he said- "oh? is that what you think?"

um- yeah. what am i supposed to think? when thats practically all he talks about. but i want real responses to things!!!

i feel super lame for writing all this stuff down but i dont have anyone to tell this stuff to. no girlfriends no guyfriends. just monstrathart. otherwise its stuck in my head and i cant see straight for it all...

last night i was prepared to ask him wtf is going on? what are we doing? what am i doing? what am i doing it for? putting my foot down and all this stuff. soon as we were together i knew all the answers. and im not ending anything right now.

gosh i cant imagine being my lonely, homely self, having cut us off, and him gallivanting fort lauderdale with some dumb stupid drugged out bimbo he doesnt care about who doesnt make him laugh.

i have a very strong imagination. this is a fact. but shit man- i see things. for me. him. us. tough times. the BEST of times. the peace of having each other. i can see it.

with john- i could see it. taste it. feel it.

and i was wrong.

but. how do i deny my feelings on the basis of a completely different situation in a completely different time when i was a different person?

i can learn from "mistakes" but i have to realize that my past isnt one giant mistake- it is my past. its my life education. when i fell and skinned my knees when learning to ride a bike, i didnt say "okay- i will learn from this and never ride a bike again." i said, "okay- im gonna do this again but this time im not gonna fall and get hurt."

so shut up, me, about old dumb john. nothing is the same. i can only try to do better? i dont know. but every situation is completely different from any other. so...

im racking my brain to figure how i can run away with him in the next few months. i have things in storage. a car payment. a dependent mother. all that comes out to $1400 a month in bills. i dont know how to escape that. idk.

this is way too long. but i need to get these things out.


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