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12:04 p.m. - 2004-04-13
cheese doodles
34 days until graduation. i keep telling myself that. sitting in these rooms for 140 minutes is, to me, synonymous with suicide. except that i am still here to go on to my next class. it sucks.

i am pretty much over this stupid infatuation with mike. my latest infatuation is sex. i want it so bad, from anyone. i dont regret sat. night. i dont even regret calling nate the night before. and sun. night i found myself wishing this expediter at work would hit on me again, i wouldnt have turned him down that time. why am i so pathetic? so damned needy of someones attention?

i am really proud of myself. i am going to pay for college completely by myself. even this stupid $400 deposit due may 1. i already have $200 and i get paid on friday. i feel like such a grown-up. from now on, i think i am paying $114 a month for storage. and, yeah, paying bills sucks, but having responsibility is such a validating feeling. which i really need right now.

but im not a grown up yet. i love the drugs too much to be grown up. this whole being sober thing is crazy. thankfully, right now i still feel not all here because of my kawazy days of spring break. but tomorrow im coming to school on something. sobriety is a dick.


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