3:00 p.m. - February 02, 2007
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
so fucking frustrating. i am writing this. and i mean every single word. that doesnt mean i dont love you. that doesnt mean we are over. it means im fucking frustrated and am venting because talking to you seems almost pointless right now.
im frustrated because you dont have a car yet.
im frustrated because you dont TELL ME anything! did they accept your id and social security card? are they going to fire you? i have no fucking idea and ive been sitting next to you for the last 7 hours!!!
im frustrated because you cant seem to get into your head that i have friends. and that friends see friends. friends who have been friends for 10 years and have never done anything together are JUST FRIENDS!! if i was going to fucking be with someone else we wouldnt be together. if someone WERE to try something i wouldnt LET them!!! fuck you! it comes off as distrust.
what am i supposed to do the rest of the time we are together??? forget anyone else in my life EVER existed? no way! its so damned selfish of you to even want that! it makes me NOT feel guilty for going out tonight. not because i want to make you jealous but because its a chance to remind myself i do/did have a life.
everything i say you want to turn around and make it hurtful. so, when i say i "did have a life" i mean before we were together but it doesnt fucking mean i dont want to be together. it means things were different. and for the most part ive been able to do what you want and i love you and being with you..but if you make it seem like its such a terrible thing for me to do anything else then im going to want to fucking rebel. and i dont want that. i dont want to upset you or fight you just because you are being an ass.
i dont know. im really angry right now. and im still fucking hurt. you went and got all mad about some other venting entries you saw....so i sent you the link to loving ones to show you that i dont hate you and that i love you. and you cant even acknowledge that? you cant just email me back and say,
"alright babe-i kno you love me. sorry."
no. you dont say babe. then i send you an email asking if you still love me. no response. two days later i have to fucking ASK YOU if you got my stupid fucking emails. hoping youd check them then and there. oh, but wait-according to you youve already read them. thats the end of that then. no response. no thank you. no i love you. no ok. NOTHING!! its like i went in for a high five and you soo left me hanging. fuck you.
i get so upset because one day you make me feel like nothing else in the world matters to you and we are it. and the next i dont exist to you. youd rather take the silent road.
I DONT FUCKING KNOW! I JUST WANT TO CRY. THATS ALL I WANT TO DO. ITS ALL I FEEL ABLE TO DO RIGHT NOW. I DONT WANT TO WORK. I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING BAWL MY ANGRY AND MY HURT EYES OUT!!!!
you suck, miguel. i dont like this. you have to get your shit together. im trying to to be such a fucking bitch to you but i get so damned frustrated i cant help it. i want you to care like i do. about us. about the job. about the car. and you dont. and i dont kno how to make you.
FUCK! i just want to cry. but im sitting at my desk and i cant.
