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4:15 p.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2007
today, we walked up to big lots and a man said to us: im gay.

funniest thing a gay guy has ever said to me. and, the gays are a funny bunch...just wanted to mention that...

im never ever going to be over hector. i try. i do. i even convince myself. funny. it doesnt work. ever. for over 5 years it hasnt worked. i can only convince myself for so long, i guess.

i erased him from my friends a month or two ago. i couldnt stand it (as i may have previously mentioned..because seeing his life without me was harder than not knowing how his life was). but, i thought, the other day, of a way to casually talk to him. to get the wheels back in motion. the kid he used to work with at the chinese place is now an up-and-coming rapper. so, i sent hector his mspace url and vice-versa. just to get a word back from him. for a reaction. hes supposed to be coming to orlando for thanksgiving. and, i wanted to make sure that i was still in the running to possibly see him. i didnt want him to forget that. and this was my way.

he responded. saying only: ive been looking for you. whats your number?

i just read that like...ten minutes ago. im on cloud nine. yet, i am being careful to truly have little expectations of this newest reconnection. im sooo sick of my hopes being up. i am. it hurts too much. and im sick of it hurting so much. ive been doing well.

i think hector was my first addiction. dating back to 2002. and, its the hardest of all to kick. but, i am really proud of myself and i am doing well. but, i couldnt resist casual conversation. he asked to add me to his friends to two of his profiles. but, im not accepting. itd be too hard. and this makes me feel stronger-being the one to deny him. we'll see.

i hope he calls me. but, i expect he wont.


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