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10:01 a.m. - November 09, 2006
qualms and qualms galore...
this has been on my mind so much lately. for a few weeks. and i never want to let myself forget this feeling of panice. this urge of fear.

for the last 2 months, my period has come a day before alexs. it became routine. i get with migs. bam! no period. hers was over about a week ago.

and me and miguel have been having sex for a month now.

ive already arranged for him to go get a pt for this weekend. as soon as possible is the best way. to know asap is the only way. he asked if id keep it. i told him i dont know. i dont really want to ever have another abortion. i got lucky last time that i was only an empty shell before and after. so, it didnt faze me. but now. i love miguel. id love anything we created. and to not allow it life would be harder than the last one. but i cant have a baby. not ready. not at all. its all so scary. these are life changes that are too big for me to be allowed to make decisions about right now. not right now.

ive been paying really close attention to every little gurgle and growl coming from my stomach. some of it has been from hunger, some of it from bathroom related issues (that im too much of a lady to mention here), some from drugs, but some have been inconclusive-and scaring the shit out of me. in april i ignored signs that would have confirmed my fears. i didnt know to look for them. now, i do. maybe i looked too hard, but its so scary...this potentially impending doom.

today. today i learned that im not pregnant. THANK THE LORD! it was so damn scary trying to prepare myself for the what seemed inevitable. and now, im going to be more careful than ever! i said that before. and i was!

i told myself no sex with a non-boyfriend. i had sex with someone but after research and time and talking and understanding. and then no one until this boyfriend. and with this scare, i feel really, really stupid for letting the sex happen ever without a condom. it sucks. but, until i get on the stupid pill thats how it has to be. shit, whats more important?

all right, enough blathering.

im just so relieved and ready to stop giving myself these scares. and....sigh.

sigh of relief, of course.


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