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8:17 a.m. - November 16, 2006
dear, alex
i cannot even begin to explain to you what a strange fucking day i had yesterday! cannot. well, ill try...

we woke up at 2:15. went to walmart around 3 to get tcs and zicam. i got shoes. we got to the beach around 4 maybe a little before and had a nice time. migs dug a hole. i found some huge kickass sponges and we let the water take us away.

we go back. people are there. more people come. still tripping mind you. again-and i think itll be this way for a while-it was couples night. me and migs, beondra and alan, jess and adam, matt and ari, cameo and danny, and kris. ari told me my mom called matts phone. so i went outside-kinda glad to be relieved of the inside and peopleness of the whole place-and called her back. its prolly cuz i was still mest, but the rest of my night got sooo dark and scary and miserable. i called my mom and shes like: are you coming home soon? you need to say goodbye to your brother. im like what are you talking about whats going on. she told me he hasnt gone to school this week and she just cant keep trying to take care of him. shes ready to sign off her parental rights. and give him up to the state. i cant even explain how many emotions go thru me!
1. no! not my brother. i love him! we can work this out.
2. oh god, this is my fault-ive been telling you to do this for years just venting and now you actually are!!!
3. am i just pretending to feel bad?! i mean..if i cared wouldnt i be home more? wouldnt i give him more attention? wouldnt i stop denying his requests to hang out with me? im not allowed to be upset right now. am i?
4. but i do feel bad! this is an innocent life! its not his fault hes an inconsiderate jerk! hes 100% a product of his environment. i kno it. this is his life. is he going to hate us? do we visit him? does that even make sense? is that fair? to visit him? but then ah!

so that put the biggest darkest cloud over me. and my mom threatening to move out and leave me with the place. god! i feel sooo bad! she does everything herself. she fights with him. shes covering bills i should be paying. because of that she cant get other things she wants. i lazy! and i hate that! i dont know what family is or means. i dont do well with the whole being responsible to people thing. but they are the ONLY family i have. and imfucking everything up. i kno anyone id say this to would say: oh, no-dont blame yourself...but i know its my fault. the family kinda revolves around me. im the peacekeeper. im the one everyone wants to please. im the glue? idk. but if my mom doesnt have my support shes a lot weaker. and if my brother doesnt have my attention, he gets more distant. im only 20! theres so much more family time i need. if i have kids i want them to have family. i dont want them to go thru what i have. im sorry. i just havent really let this all explode so much yet.

last night there was also drama at the house a little. and i was tripping. and i sobbed my heart out in the backyard after i got off the phone (am i allowed to feel bad?!). and inside beondra, jessica, and adam were having issues over living together. the girls want to adam doesnt. go adam. jessicas an idiot for thinking thats a good idea. but i understand she wants a place to live. and a home. but yah. from danny: im thinking this weekend im going to get a nice bigass bottle of bacardi 151 (or some other highly potent alcohol)and gettin totally smashed.. feel like joining me? do i even begin to respond to that?

happy news? um, miguel says that hes never loved anyone more than me. and hes scared im gonna do something to fuck this up. or hurt him-not oon purpose. and that im very very important to him. and yeah. its sweet. i love it. i love him. he loves everything. even/especially everything i hate about me. hes got 4 interviews today. cross your fingers.

im sorry this is so long. but im just trying to get a hold of everything thats happening and whatnot. well, how was your wednesday?


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