10:00 a.m. - December 06, 2006
i think its over
riding on the too long bus ride to work gives me a lot of time to think. think about what i want. what ive got. what i had. everything. i decided to write hector another letter. hopefully the last one because i am so over wanting something that doesnt even exist. is that possible? i am pathetic.
i thought about you today. and you made me smile. and then you made me sad. you have such a stronghold on my emotions and i havent seen or talked to you in years. its crazy. i dont know why i am writing to you again. especially when i know youll never read it. i think in my mind, once i hit send its out of my hands and into yours. i know thats not true, but i like to think it. i like to think you havent slipped completely out of my life and exist now only in the past. that thought is too scary to face. too real. its not fair. so, i dont entertain it.
hows your life? the last time i wrote was like, what? 2 months? yeah. i wonder sometimes what you life is like, but i stop quickly because its too hard. i have no clue. so anything i may think up is completely false and thus pointless. and i guess ill never know because youre practically dead to me, but at least we have myspace.
i loved you. and i love you. but the love i love you with now is the love of memories and sentimentality. and sometimes when i think of you or us i think about how amazing itd be to find you now and be with you now. but today on my way to work a terribly derpressing thought fluttered into my head: im not 16 anymore. youre not 16 anymore. a lot has happened to me since then. i have done a lot since then. as im sure you have too. we arent the same people we were when we met. were like adults almost. and it breaks my heart, but its true. which i guess makes it easier to not know you anymore. i mean if i think about the relationships ive had and the places ive been and the drugs ive done since i knew you and just imagine that youve been thru all the same at least...then it makes it easier to move on. because weve both moved on in separate directions. and were too far apart to ever come back together. it just makes me sad.
i hope this will be my last letter to you. if you can call something that you cant fold up and keep forever in a shoebox a letter. youre a bittersweet thing to me. on one hand-you got my cherry (or deflowered me, however you wanna put it) and became the best first love i could ever have asked for. and on the other, you left me. you broke my heart worse than i think it will ever be broken because i will never be able to love someone as purely and wholly as i did you. and i think that knowledge will hurt me forever too. but hopefully i will be able to find someone who can completely fill the hole you left. the hole ive been trying to fill for the past 4 and then some years. one came close. others are good stuffers. but no ones ever been an exact fit. god, i hate saying all these things. or i would if it were to anyone else. i think youd understand every word if you read this ever. and i wouldnt feel embarassed or girly.
happy birthday. 21, wow. i hope you have a fun, safe, perfect celebration. and that your wishes come true. you deserve them hector. you do. if ever you read this and the others dont respond. i couldnt bear to lose you again. ive made my peace. just remember i love you always.
jordan
