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8:47 a.m. - January 13, 2007
the monster at the end of this entry
am i wrong to not want miguel to drink when im not around? i feel wrong. but at the same, i feel wrong.

i called him just now to ask him a question. danny answered and said migs was asleep. that he drank himself stupid, played guitar hero, and passed out. thats the gist of things, but i dont know who all was there. i dont know what kind of drunken rants he went on. if jess was there, how much anger did he take out on her? anger, that i fear, is just something else in disguise. can i be upset? since i went to bed before 8? please, can i?

tuesday night i got to his house at like 630 to wait for migs to get home at 12. kris came over. i entertained kris and allowed him to entertain me in the best of ways: drugs. he offered me half an oxy and i accepted. then when i wasnt feeling it like i thought i should (it was my first time) i asked for another half. then miguel called. i made the decision to tell him that i drank, smoked, and took an oxy as opposed to hiding anything for any length of time. then, all of a sudden-in the middle of his break, he has to go. that was fucked up. i asked if he was mad and he said a little. so, rather than fight it. i let it go. then he hesitated in saying i love you. that pissed me off more tho.

so, am i allowed to get mad that he drank last night? i want to. i feel upset inherently. just knowing. but, what do i expect him to do? he comes home from work on a friday night to a bunch of his friends drinking and having fun. whats he supposed to do? sit there and watch? go to sleep? he cant see or talk to me. free liquor. so, why do i feel betrayed? i think its jealousy. and i hate it. im still getting used to it. and so easily this jealousy turns into anger. maybe im angry that i cant hang out. i dont know. bleh.


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