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8:20 a.m. - February 27, 2007
a crack in the glass
i feel like such a putz! i go through emotions like i go through clothes in the morning.

and i change my clothes at least 3 times in the morning.

i dont remember being crazy recently. im referring to the last entry here, btw. i dont recall wanting to be an alcoholic. i dont know. i guess i feel a little more stabilized today.

i may have shaken out the sillies since the 22nd. i have taken bars, gotten drunk, smoked a lot, and hung out responsibility free. (miguel free?) and i feel a lot better today.

but, still not so much. because a realization has slapped me. its hard and scary to say it, but to myself inevitable. and im scared to put the words out of my head because then it will be real. and i dont know what to do with it if its real.

i dont think i want to be a girlfriend anymore.

sucks. i feel bad. what do i do? i mean shit! he works literally 3 feet behind me at least 4 days a week and we drive him to and from work those days. my friends are his friends and his house can be a hubub of life and fun and recklessness.

what would happen? i wouldnt be able to go over there and play. hes not gonna wanna come here and work and see me every day. ill become miserable sitting in my bed unable to go to the house and begin spending all my time with the wrong crowd and get caught up in their world....the more i think about it...the more fucked up this is going to make our lives.

like, it has the potential to ruin us both:

he'll quit
lose house

ill party too hard
lose consciousness

i dont know what to do with this. but i kno i dont want to be in this relationship anymore. im only still in it out of habit and a feeling of responsibility to him. I DONT WANT TO HURT HIM. i love him. i do. but not the right way. not how he loves me. not how i should. and not enough to keep this going with both of us happy.

i dont know what to do.

im a piece of shit person maybe. but in my heart-and not even that deep down-i know theres someone better out there for me. i know that i can be better for someone out there.

i dont kno who to talk to.

alex? tear her away from her glen fantasy-world? no. tempted to turn my head to the girl next to me at work, but she knows him. and what the fuck would i do? actually break up with him??? i have to! i am just making him miserable by being distant. and i feel guilty.

god i suck. i feel so bad for making plans with him to move to texas. austin. i still want to. and itll be impossible on my own-i dont even want to do it by myself. but...i dont know.

i think im gonna go email shannon and ask her for some feedback.


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