8:00 a.m. - Sunday, May. 13, 2007
i hate myself. this is dumb. this is why i dont play these reindeer games. who let me do this? im an idiot, remember?
he said he was going to come over last night. i was really tired but i waited up for him anyway. i had told him at 9 that i was fucking exhausted (he thought i was on a drug or something is how tired i was). at 12 i decided to go home. at 1230 i talked to him and he said he was going to drop a sub off to sams then come to me. so, i watched full house. one episode, two episodes, three episodes, second disc...at 230 i decided to just roll over and try to sleep. i kept thinking about him until i passed out at 3 so i could get up for work at 6. i couldve been asleep by 10, had i not hung out at subway with him. 1230, had i not waited up for him. 2, had i not kept waiting...
i am so upset with myself for having an expectation. stupid. stupid. stupid. i, of all people, know better. especially for a boy?! no! i dont get hurt. and if you hurt me once-then consider yourself lucky or something because its not happening again. i refuse to put myself through this. such strong feelings of self-doubt and owen-doubt and feelings of hurt. i dont like them. i dont do them. i dont get hurt and i definitely dont get hurt twice.
i dont know what i am going to do. i feel pretty dumb for sitting up waiting for him when my eyes were as heavy as they were. i drank some colt 45, hoping he could finish it for me. it was like, 2 days old and made me nauseous. and i waited. listened. every noise. every change in light and shadows outside. i expected. i expected at least a call. something so..i dont know. this sounds dumb. which is why i hate it. because its so stupid but here i am upset to the core. for letting myself get this way. and for him not knowing how much i did want to see him and how tired i was and how little regard for my tiredness i had on his behalf.
THIS IS DUMB! i am really hurt. i cant believe this. i dont even want to talk to him today-if ever again. ok, maybe in a year...
i didnt kno i cared so much, to be honest. until about 3 this morning...