11:20 a.m. - Monday, Jul. 02, 2007
the circle of (my) life
im such an idiot. such an idiot, gosh. its almost a little funny now. but i still am shaking my head at myself.
ive been getting so fucking worked up about this hector thing. ew. its so stupid, i feel. im like, dying and waiting for him to call me. why? what do we have to talk about besides ourselves? and what do we have to grow on? he lives 2000 miles from me. i am living with my boyfriend with no job. seriously. its so stupid.
i laid in bed for like 5 or 6 hours today staring at the ceiling. thinking about hector. thinking nothing. thinking everything. trying to figure things out. then, it hit me.
WHAT THE HELL IS THERE TO FIGURE OUT?
nothing. i found him. we are still living seperate lives in different time zones. nothings changed. except its now a little bit harder. thinking about him nonstop throughout my day. waiting for the next 2 lined email he sends me via myfuckingspace. its sick. its distracting. its almost cheating-no, it is cheating the way ive been lately. since i found him again. i wish i hadnt. its just fucking up my already way too fucked up head. i hate him.
i could never fucking hate him. ever. i wish i could. then this would be over. i say i want a closure from him. what do i want him to say? i hate you, jordan. leave me alone. i dont want that! but for him to say he regrets leaving here-me-is like him saying ive missed you as much as youve missed me. or thats how i interpret it. but in me hope springs eternal. its so damning.
ive always had hope. and things happen that instantly raise my hope and optimism. thats what finding him on myspace has done. its renewed a very waning sense of hope. in my life right now, if i dont have hope i have absolutely nothing. its very hard. and the times he seems the farthest are probably some of the most desolate, difficult times of my pathetic life. he helps me wake up and go to bed every day. the thought of holding him again. looking at him. touching him. it will never go away.
i have a very deep sense that we will see each other again one day. if not very soon, then eventually. which is why im so hopefull, because of this deep-rooted feeling. i know well see each other and we will have a chance. and that excites me. and makes it want to happen all the more. hes it for me. and if hes not, i need to find that out. not assume it.
i wish he could read all this and then just tell me to fuck off and get a grip. to calm down and grow up. then slap me in the face..and tell me to say his name. and kiss me hard.
ha. im sick.
