12:12 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 01, 2007
time to give up
im done. done with hector. i know ive said it before. and maybe at the time i believed it-as i do now. maybe i thought that saying it made it truer. im not sure. but im done. i cant anymore. im going to send him an email. i have to. i feel i do, at least.
i deleted his 3 profiles. i fought going back to look at them once they were gone from my friends, but i gave in. as always. and one of them is private now. and i cant get that back. and, i have to deal. im not sure exactly what to say to him. so, i pumped up the bob schneider and am going to write a draft here. to straighten out my thoughts...
im sorry. i cant do this. its too hard. i cant stand being able to peer into your life and not be a part of it. i thought that if we could be "friends" on this space everything would be okay-or closer. but its not. its actually a little harder. so, i cant be your "friend".
i can see your life. be a part of it even. but only in a 2-dimensional world. i cant touch you. smell you. smile at you. whats the point? i dont think you know how much i love you, hector. and i like to think you love me a little. or at least have some place in you for just me. i thought i needed closure. and i think this was it. we can never ever work out, ive decided. it is so silly holding on to this as long as i have. i cant really explain why i did. i guess i thought we were meant to be and all this fairytale crap. but all i do is get my hopes up then let down. i could never ask you to move here again and youd never ask me to move there. you seem really happy and i think thats all i wanted in the years ive been wondering. to know that youre okay. and now i know. so, im okay.
it sounds stupid. that i cant even be your "friend" on a website. but i cant. i want to get fucked up with you. i want to get drunk with you. listen to music with you. and its hard knowing i cant but everyone else on your pages can. everyone else in your life can. then, i realize-im not in your life. so, why am i even trying? thinking about it? because i will forever be in love with you. even though ill never see you or hear your voice again (unless on the radio maybe). im living too. going out, having my fun and all...but i think of you often. i got a common cd the other day and thought of you. do you like common? id think you would.
i feel a little dramatic. and im sorry if i am being that way. never again. i promise. i just wanted to tell you how i feel one last time. youre amazing. incredible. but you already knew that. have a nice life.
always,
jordan
too much? it doesnt matter. nothing matters. he doesnt matter. i really feel i have found a closure in finding him on the space. until then hed lived in my mind and memory. he didnt exist to anyone but me. but, he does exist. and it has nothing to do with me. why would i keep harboring such strong emotions in this situation? its dumb. its immature. naive. painful. im done. ive been on the verge of done. but, now i am. im considering just completely closing down my profile. but, i dont want to give him that power over me. ive had mine for way longer than hes had his. he should close his profiles. ha!
HECTOR I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THIS LIFE ITSELF. its so sad that ill never see him again. but hes a stranger to me now. so, it really doesnt matter. right?
