2:12 a.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003
is it love or fear?
im craving love.
as always.
but, now, i have a kind of new perspective on relationships that makes me content with being single.
ive been spending a lot of time with shannon and cameo lately. they both have boyfriends with whom theyve been with for at least a year or two (in shannons case its been 8 or 9). ive seen the way they are towards theyre other halves and..i dont long for that.
the beginning of a relationship-the first 6 months (or in my case weeks)-is fun. carefree. exciting. but after so long, the luster fades. and all you have left is two people who dont know what to do with or without each other. so, they deal. shannon said she doesnt see her and john breaking up with each other ever unless one cheats on the other-which she doesnt predict happening. but, for the past five or six days i was with them i just saw her barking orders, him getting jealous of random penii for no reason, them going outside to fight out of my earshot, and dirty looks and sarcastic comments. wheres the love?
i know that each night they go to bed together. and since they wake up each morning still alive i have to assume that it isnt all bad. but, is sleeping the only time theyre not upset with/at each other? if so...i dont want that. but they have an unconditional love. i do want that. but i dont want the fun to ever settle. or i dont want a routine to take out any excitement. and thats what seems to have happened.
in cameo and dannys case, cameos bored. danny hates her friends and she likewise. but he complains they dont spend enough time together-despite the fact he refuses to hang out with her with us and she with him and his cronies. and apparently, they dont have time or energy to spend time with no one but each other. anyone but each other? idk. and they just FIGHT. i havent heard dannys end of any arguments just cameos. but still. they dont seem happy. they just seem content. and cameo says they wont break up until one has cheated on the other. which im not sure if i take that as love or fear of being alone.
all of my recent relationship musings matter pretty little though. since im alone with no love prospects. which, after evaluating my friends relationships doesnt sound terrible-just lonely as hell. i am lonely. so lonely. but, i suck it up and wait. im working on my character and with the way i interact with other people. because i dont think im strong enough to handle a real 'ship. so, im working on my forwardness and with saying c'est la vie to all of (most of) my insecurities. im trying to be comfortable with me. i know thats a very big factor in some of the things i do and in the way i act.
but i want love. i could cry for how much im dying to kiss someone i want to kiss and who wants to kiss me. my last three kisses have been as follows: maggie (her drunk bday celebration), john (on some drunk night), and shannon (another drunk night). my two best friends and my coworker.
i will not rush anything when anything ever finally does happen to/for me. because when you rush, shit either explodes in your face or becomes boring and complacent before you know it-and then youre stuck (like shannon and cameo).
i do hope that something happens soon, though.
