7:39 p.m. - Monday, Oct. 13, 2008
a pain by any other name
how could something so intangible hurt so bad?
i feel like the inner depths of my core (which, in reality is only inches from front to back) is such a dark and treacherous cavern. and it hurts! i hurt so bad. i feel so incomplete.
part of me feels like if this pain gets any worse i will get an ulcer. and as the ulcer grows this pain monster will to. and it will just explode from my belly and i will be dead.
ill have died from a broken, lonely heart.
when the coroner examines my corpse and organs, itll be a wonder i made it as long as i did (not to mention what my lungs and liver had to undergo in my body).
i want to cry for my lonliness. but why? i dont like self-pity. (i swear! i dont.) i want to scream with this feeling of unworthiness. i want to go on a killing spree to unleash the rage that i contain inside. a rage fueled by jealousy. im jealous of everyone anywhere who is happy. everyone who is in a committed relationship. or any. anyone who has someone to love them. anyone who loves someone. why not me?
and then i look at myself and i see why. i hate myself. how can anyone else love me. i rationalize and tell myself that im picky. which, i am. that person just hasnt stepped into my life yet...they will-i tell myself. every day. i tell myself to have patience. and i know thats the truth of all truths. but its hard. to continue through each day alone. waiting.
one night stands. are so empty. theyre even more lonely than not having them. i have a few hours of feeling like i belong to someone and vice versa. then, we pass out. they go home. the sun rises. its over-like it never even happened. no more miguel. no more john. im not strong enough to do it anymore. to do them. ha. but really, im not.
so what do i do? i sit and wait. and feel bad for myself. i create fantasy after fantasy where im swept off my feet by average joe. but hes not average-he loves me and i love him.
it just hurts so much.
