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1:10 p.m. - Monday, Nov. 17, 2008
crush come true
he, the crush, has turned into my big brother. its okay now. maybe one day something. or maybe when im drunk butterflies will return. but i just saw him and...nothing. he really is pretty much the big brother i never had.

wilson, on the other hand...

oh gosh.

i must be psychic. 15 months ago when i first met him i knew something would go down. i knew wed kiss or have sex or something. i crushed on him the whole time we worked together. i watched him flirt with receptionists. i let him make me cry. he was an asshole. i hated him some days. really, truly did not want to be near him. and in the end we were going through one of those...i didnt want to even look at him to ask him a question.

i never thought about him after i quit. why would i? nothing ever happened between us. and, i thought he hated me (for NO apparent reason) based on the last couple weeks of cold shoulder.

he called me last night. we talked. he asked if i wanted to have a couple beers at his place. weve talked on the phone before and hes offered then too but i never went. i said okay.

i have some beers, watch tv in the living room, maybe a good-night naive.

as soon as i got in the car he kissed me. what?!? i didnt see that coming. i stopped him and asked where the hell that came from. he didnt respond. he just held my hand.

when we got into his house i saw there wasnt a couch. damn. damn. damn. i didnt go over there for sex. i swear! i took a shower before he came over and i didnt even shave my legs. he sold his couch and is still looking for a new one. sure. i bet thats what he tells all of them. us.

he grabbed me and pushed me against a wall. i just went with it. and in going with it..i realized how bad i wanted it. we threw off our clothes in a wave of long had i fantasized about these moments?

i thought my period was over. nope. i felt so bad. it was just two tiny drops om his white sheet..but that put an end to the action. i mean, round one of action was already over anyway..but, it left no space for a sequel.

wilsons a hard guy. i think something was bothering him. it seemed so when he kissed me. he seemed troubled. i think he called me because he didnt want to think about whatever was in his head. he didnt call me-he called my vagina. i slept over because it was late. there was no cuddling. no kissing after the sex. thats okay with me-for now. ill give him space. i dont want him to think im like some of the other women whose hearts he breaks. hes shared texts with me that are so pathetic and girly-and i wont have him put me in that class. im cooler. stronger.

he didnt hold my hand in the car on the way home this morning. that was all just to get me ready for sex, i guess. at least i got to see oceans thirteen last night as he fell asleep. the whole thing. ive never seen any.

i told him if he wants he can call me in a week. he said he would.

i could love him. part of me does after so long. but i also know him too well. he could never love me. so, i wont even go there. after this entry im not going to think about him til he calls. whats the point? drive myself crazy over someone i know for a fact couldnt care less? fuck that.

maybe in time i could make him appreciate me. but, i expect nothing from him. except that he will call. i know he will. he likes sex.


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