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11:00 a.m. - Wednesday, Nov. 19, 2008
the shelf of love
theres a shelf inside me somewhere and on it ive put things over the years...

byron, hector, california...

and i just checked it-ive recently added love. not sure when...but, i no longer carry around that candle for it. the burning desire or expectation of it.

can one night stands and detailed fantasies get me through the rest of my life? ive managed to get through the last year. but could i go another 60 or 70 years thus? maybe. maybe.

i dont want to. and its probably extremely presumptious to say ive put love on a shelf. but i think to say it is to help me chill out. relax. not sweat it so much. out of sight out of mind. well...out of mind out of sight?

im just sick of thinking and wondering. and hoping and expecting. its not coming. any time soon.

unless i bump into someone as i leave the library (im at the library) and our books collide and as we scramble to retrieve them we find we have some of the same books in the mix then look up and into each others' eyes and just...know.

see, i can still fantasize. it gets me through.

im just really sick of the questions i ask myself about when. i think im asking the universe really. so, if i say ive put the prospect of the idea of falling in love soon out onto a dark, moldy shelf, it wont bother me so.

thats my rationalizing. or something.

one day. one day. but i want it today. but i dont think im even capable, at this point, to be in a healthy relationship. i feel ruined. broken as hell. hmmm...

alright. ill stick to getting to know myself. falling in love with me.

and one night stands, of course.


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