9:12 a.m. - Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2008
its nice. very comforting and comfortable.
not in love. not in lust-though, there is lust. just love.
we spent most of yesterday out of each others' arms but in each others' sight. and when we got in bed last night he said he missed me. holding me. it was sweet. that he does.
since i was 14 (we really met online when i was 14-not 15) ive wanted that. even when ive hated him in the most recent 3 years ive wanted that. now i have it. and its accompanied by a sort of lock. its locked in. and i dont have to worry about keeping him with sex or my body. for once. its for what we have.
thats the good part of all this. but, nothing gold can stay. im not stupid. theres potential for not good that i already see.
the other day i said something about him going to bed and ill come soon. he said he couldnt go alone-ive made him dependent on a person again.
thats not what i want. it is. but its not.
i dont know what im trying to say. or what i think im trying to say. im just saying.
what we are trying to accomplish here is to be eternally lasting. so, there needs to be balance and moderation to ensure a tomorrow in california. id rather we let this fade away in due time than burn it out by the years end.
weve been at biancas house since monday and tonight i am going to his. but after tomorrow, i think well break for a bit.
i love him. with my whole heart. but at the same time there are others out there-for both of us. and the two have nothing to do with each other and i hope they never do.
i hope i dont get angry or jealous when he and an ex have another relapse. its inevitable, i know. i can handle it.
time to go to him now.