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8:31 p.m. - Monday, Jan. 05, 2009

it all happens in time.

i know that. but i have to remember that.

i also must keep at the top of my brain that i should never let my emotions take over-get the best of me.

i did let them. for a couple days. i fooled around with two people i never wanted to fool around with two nights in a row. and i did it out of spite.

but how can you spite someone who doesnt even know youre spiting them? you cant. just yourself.

so, i did it out of spite for myself. which i loathe! how could i sink so low (again)? well, im out of that.

i just have to wait. im a fucking brat. i expect the world to truly revolve around me (it doesnt?!). and so, when it doesnt...i cant handle it.

he broke my heart again. but its my fault. i knew what was going to happen, i just thought i had more time. well, i do now.

im an idiot. i have to regain independence. i got too dependent on having an other half. itd been so long, i welcomed it with open arms. it was a fun month. but, its probably best that its over. i cant stand that i care more than him. cared more. im better now.

i think he gets off on the fact that theres a handful or girls who cant live without him. its gross that im a part of that. but you cant fight your heart. but you can put it on layaway.

ive a crush though...on someone new. well...not new...but, kinda.

its very small. and if anything happened itd probably be drunk. but, i like to look at him. and be in his presence.

its just fun. i have nothing else anyway.

but when i say that, its not disdainfully or pitifully. it just is.

god. i cant wait for the day when i can give this love i have inside me to someone. and when someone gives me theirs. in time...i know.


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