9:08 a.m. - Friday, Jan. 27, 2012
waving the white flag
i dont even want to say this.
i dont want it to be true.
i dont think i can do it anymore.
we have completely different lives. his is structured and scheduled and full. mine is the polar opposite-at the moment. and with this difference, i fall short.
its neither of our faults the lives weve constructed up until the point of meeting. but, maybe they arent supposed to mesh. i dont know.
when i get to feeling like this...i feel like shit. i feel like im not enough. (maybe thats why he doesnt write.)
i dont have enough patience
i dont have enough of a life
im not cool enough
im not pretty enough
im definitely not close enough
i hate feeling like shit. i hate that my mood depends on if hes got the time to pay attention to me. what the fuck is that? its pathetic and it makes me realize that he doesnt deserve my lunacy. and i dont want to keep doing this.
each minute that goes by that ive not heard from him i feel more and more hurt. which is dumb. i know! i absolutely cannot stop it. ive tried. but the more sad or hurt or even angry i get the more i want to say something that ill immediately regret. and its so stupid. i dont know where i got this entitlement from.
id rather push him away than scare him off.
its what i do i suppose.
ive tried to take deep breaths, distract myself, come up with good excuses for him...none of it helps and it just makes me sad. sad that im even like this. that a fuckin stranger who paid me a little attention can hurt me from across the worlds largest ocean (i know the pacific is largest, but since im feeling particularly dramatic right now..). and theres nothing i can do about this horrible something in the pit of my stomach. i fear the only way i could make it go away was if i just didnt know him or if i lived in the same fucking town. i can only make one of those happen right now.
im not fit for anything. heres another ive ruined. it makes me so sad and scared. i cannot fucking live my life with friends and one night stands. but i cant seem to do anything more either.
im such a fucking waste and im going to be alone forever.
everytime i accept the latter, something comes along to trick me into thinking something different. and then, once ive fucked up i go back to accepting the former.
i really, really like him. theres so much more i wanted to know and talk with him about. not to mention really actually meeting. but i cant do this anymore. have my mood depend on whether or not ive heard from him in the last 2 hours. i feel almost sick about this. i dont want to end it but i dont want to feel bad all the time. and i cant possibly ask any more of him. i understand his life. its me. i. suck.
