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3:46 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 02, 2015
bit of a bender
i dont know whats wrong with me.

i dont know whats wrong with me?

i always know how i feel and the motivations behind my actions.

i always know whats wrong with me.

right now though, its not as clear. i do still have some ideas though...

even when i pretend like i dont know whats wrong. or whats fueling me...a few more layers down...i do. absolutely. i like to believe that everyone really knows. why they do what they do. its a bullshit copout to say you dont know why you did or did not do something. and maybe...if maaaybe you actually, really dont know...pause for a moment. stop moving. stop everything. and just listen. listen to your brain. listen to your heart. listen to the waves of your cognition. they dont ebb and flow at random. theyre working on something. working something out. and they know. the waves know. and if the waves know- and if you listen for just a little while- youll hear. youll know. "i dont know." is not a viable statement when someone asks you- how do you feel? why did you do that? "i dont want to know." is only always the truth.

so theres that.

the month of february has been one for the books though.

ive done some things. ive done some things that maybe i wouldnt have done any other time. maybe. maybe i would have. actually, they are things i would have done before. way before. way the past before. like...the before new york times. the old me. the young me.

but now..what do i have to keep me from doing those things anyways? for the past 2 or 3 years ive had reasons not to live that life. i was in new york for 8 months but actually...when i think about it- i lived that life. lets see...i fucked 4 guys in that time. one of them on a park #thatlife

i guess only having a boyfriend. having john kept me from giving in. to every desire. to everyone else's desires. (dont get me wrong, there were as many or more men i did NOT have sex with. men whose couches or beds i slept in. so i wasnt like the town bike or nothing..)

i spent the first three months after our break-up not wanting to be touched. not wanting to be touched by anyone else. ever. i spent time feeling untouchable. unlovable. eternally, infinitely alone. at the end of three months single, i began to feel...vulnerable? i just wanted to be loved. i felt unlovable, like i said. but i felt urges to feel love. and i was a horrible contradiction. wanting and needing to feel love while hating myself. inside and out. day and night. every other thought through my mind was self-shaming. self-hating. self-loathing. deprecation of self. a month ago today, i had sex with elvis. ive never liked him (when im drunk i kinda do) or really given too much thought to him. he seems too cool and sounds too much like he has a perpetual cold. things i didnt want to be around all the time. but it was 6 am. i couldnt sleep and i was pretty much spent from drinking and coking all night. but he wanted to. so why not?

the whole next day- while he slept next to me- i felt disgusting. not for sexing an old friend. just fat. he wanted to put his arm over me torso in sleep...i got up to pee. i felt gross and like id never be able to share a bed with a man i loved. or with a man i wanted to love me. how could i if i couldnt even share a bed with a man i liked only as a friend?

fast-forward a couple weeks..i was hanging out more and more with kris. feeling more and more comfortable around him. looking forward more and more to seeing him..started feeling and sounding like a crush.

after one really fun night (even though everything we did was really lame) i texted him. i thought about it first. i was drunk but not too drunk for forethought. i decided to go for it. what if we could really, actually be something?? wouldnt that be something?! we've been friends for 9 1/2 years just to discover we're soulmates meant to traverse space and time together. he told me he liked me too.

we played house for a fun weekend. house party, longing looks across the room, cuddling, renaissance festival the next day. but in bed the night of cuddling i wasnt burning for him. even the night of the party i wasnt burning for him. my eyes and fairy were alight for another. (been hanging a dannys a little here and there and had a couple of fun and flirty interactions with a certain freddy and i kinda started wanting him. hes hilarious and smart and tall and has a car and a nice family. hes a really good friend and likes my attention sometimes when we're drunk. idk. maybe someday. im not making him my focus. it seems way too crazy even for me to even try at that. sigh.) the fact that i burned crazier for another- another whom i hardly knew or had the same connection with..i knew it wasnt kris.

i told him the day after the fair. i feared i lost my friend. a really good friend. i love kris. hes my brother til the day we die. and i know i took a lot out of him that weekend. he showed me feelings he doesnt usually share with anyone. i gave him hopes and a feeling that he could dream about us. hes had feelings for me. a few times since we first met. i thought i could too.

in the midst of elvis and kris was jon.

he told me a week before my birthday that he was coming back. and that he wanted to see me.

we started messaging. he told me he cared about me. i was one of two or something...

i like the idea of getting with a friend of johns. i like the idea of getting with someone who cares about me. i like the idea of getting with my ex and that getting back to a certain other ex. theres a lot of dumb reasons i like the idea of jon. he also, if i recall, is packing.

we hung out last week. went downtown for some drinks.

as many reasons as i like the thought of him..theres as many that i dont.

none showed their faces that night though.

we drank. played pool. danced to sinatra under a gazebo alongside the new river. he whispered so many sweet nothings into my desperate ear.

we went back to my place. where we did not engage in any sorts of intercourse. much to his dismay. but he still wanted to hold me. and did so well at it.

i told him the next day, while i took him home, that after some serious thought...we can do it.

how romantic, he said.

he's a future re-conquest. when i feel like it. probably soon. im on a bender..

after i told kris i just saw him as a friend, he hated me. for 3 days. we hung out last friday like nothing ever happened. except i had on my flirty dress and cute eyes all night. it was fun though. and i really do wish i fucking liked him and could picture us having a hot and heavy romance. i just cant. thankfully though, we cool.

after hanging out with him friday, i went to samgela's. hung out with the old peeps for a while and drove eric home.

now..eric and i have a pretty good platonic track record. we've had a handful of drunken nights and while things have gotten crazy (like taking the rowbooat out with no oars) and close (sleeping next to each other in bed) hes been a perfect gentleman and never made a move (well, one or two drunken lean-ins which i promptly put a stop to each time). fuck. idk what happened last friday night. well..i know exactly what happened. and it felt good. i got just what i needed after a night trying to learn how to skateboard with a mini-dress on- some actually felt really good. though i dont see he and i together in any real world, i like late night escapades followed by sexcapades..

i left his house saturday morning saying id come back that evening. i then spent the rest of the weekend up until this morning ignoring his texts. ten total. the last one was calling me an asswipe.

i apologized this morning and we smoothed everything out- im not ready for a relationship but i love hanging out with him...

im on a fucking rampage. thats what i didnt say. i actually kinda dont want a relationship right now. i want to be wanted. i want to have some sex. i want to feel good and loved. fuck love. gimme diamonds.

i dont have any feelings right now. my feelings are, how can i do whatever i want the most right now?

i dont think im hurting anyone. anymore. i kinda maybe hurt a couple people. but not on purpose and ive come clean and cleaned up those messes.

february was a crazy month for breaking 29. but i fuckin did it. got thru it. now its just life. wish me luck.

wish me love.


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