10:22 a.m. - Friday, Feb. 10, 2017
we cant be friends right now. i still dont completely feel like we are friends. even though for the past 5 months youve been my best friend (and worst nightmare). i am not over all the things you did to me and put me through (i realize i allowed you to put me through a lot of it). now that you are gone, i have to process it all. really go over it all. i have a lot of work to do on myself.
looking back on it all...from me giving you money for drugs, taking you to bfe several times to get you your drugs, sitting around waiting like a fool waiting for you to get high in gas station bathrooms. you stole my computer, my rental truck, my tv, and only you know what else. you pretended to have feelings for me- going so far as to force yourself to kiss me when you didnt really want to- an oscar worthy performance- just so you could take advantage of me even more. you preyed on my feelings for you and made me end up feeling even worse about myself just for your own gain. i know that most of this is from when you were in the throes of your addiction and you dont remember most of it- but i do. i wasnt on heroin or xanax or whatever else. i remember and still feel it all. i still feel how i felt bad that we "lost" that "pot" i took you to get on griffin road. youve betrayed me so much. when i went to jacksonville in september, you told summer youd go pick her up in my car. i found that out months ago and it hasnt left my mind since. you wonder why or how i dont trust you? all of the things i just mentioned are just some contributing factors.
what sane person would put up with it? im not sane though. im clearly crazy. my self-esteem is so low that i let myself get walked all over just feel needed and not be alone. i let you lie to me. i let you cry to me. i let you make me miserable. these things are my fault.
i have this thing with wanting to be wanted. due to my daddy issues, if a man wants me, thats self-validation for myself. to me, it means i matter and am important and special and worthy. sometimes i confuse real feelings with wanting to be wanted. my feelings for you consisted of being attracted to you, enjoying your companionship sometimes, and wanting to be wanted. but after months of being used, hurt, and lied to- not to mention watching you lie to everyone else in your life to get your way- i realized i dont ever want to be with someone capable of such evil acts (not to mention that youve cheated on every woman youve been in a relationship with). i still want you to want me (i want every man to want me). i know im not attractive enough for you and ill never be the little 90lb things you go for- but even if you did ever want me id never be able to give myself to someone who did what you did to me.
im not ignoring the good things youve done for me. i couldnt have moved without you. you always offer to carry things. you packed our bowls and give me greens. you cooked us dinner. you fixed my car. im appreciative and thankful and i see glimmers of who you were and could be. but i cant and wont act like just 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 months ago you werent playing with my heart, my kindness, my vulnerabilities and you dont seem to really understand what it does to me and how it really hurts.
but i waited. i waited for you to be gone. now you are. and i am blocking you on my phone. i need some real time away from you. to try and get myself back and find some self-respect and confidence and figure out where to go from here.
if one day you get around to paying me back the $500 and laptop you owe me- that would be a very good way to open a door to knowing each other again. itd be cool to be friends as normal healthy people- you with a job, me in a relationship- but until then i just feel like a tool. a tool that you picked up when you needed it and put it back in the toolbox when you were done. toolbox is locked. paying me back would mean so many things- 1. you got your shit together 2. you actually value the fact that i gave you my hard earned money 3. you value our relationship 4. youre not the worst person in the world.
if you dont pay me back- then i learned a very expensive lesson but at least ill never have to see you again and you can put robbing a girl for hundreds of dollars on your list of lifetime accomplishments.
i wish you the best cuz i do care about you. good luck. bye michael.