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10:09 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 14, 2017
its been long enough
will we ever speak again? will we ever be able to be friends?

i was sick of asking myself with no way of having an answer.

so i said hi how are you?

that was a few days ago. now i am consumed. with ghosts of the pasts. hopes for the future. i can feel his hands on me- in my hands, on my head. its all i want. hes all i want.

he wants to. i know it. we havent talked yet. much. he apologized almost immediately for some stuff. and asked me to apologize to my mom for something. i dont really know exactly all about that because i dont want to focus on the past.

our relationship was under this crazy constant strain. we were both going through growing pains. we were going stir crazy. we were dependent on our parents but fighting fiercely, at the same time, for our independence..our autonomy. he was in jail in bfe for a quarter of our relationship and then in rehabs for another 5 months. whatever.

i dont want to focus on the past. i know what i want. i know what my heart wants. and i think that now, 3 or 4 years later, weve both grown up. been around the block a couple more times and never found what we were looking for- which is each other. i dont want to look backwards. especially when all i can imagine is a future with him. either him or alone. thats all i can see as options for me.

i choose him. all day. and all night.

i cried myself to sleep last night. i havent done that in years. but i didnt know what else to do. the thought of having him in my life again....the thought of him living walking distance from me...the thought of holding on and never letting go again...or not getting to hold him ever again. it all became so real and weighted and i was just overcome.

hes invited me over twice but didnt happen. i was going to invite him and charlie to the taco battle and craft beer fest tomorrow but he "has plans". i guess itll happen when its smeant to...and if it doesnt then it wasnt meant to. and maybe...just fucking maybe...he doesnt feel the way i do...

but i dont want to think about that because i dont feel like its even really a possibility..

i just want his hands to hold me again.


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