11:18 a.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 06, 2018
it happened sometime in 2010 or 2011.
i was too drunk.
i was too insecure to not be.
i think im somehow more insecure but less needing to bury it in booze.
with age comes wisdom.
anywho..i havent really let myself think about it much over the years. even at the time. i helped myself to forget. i felt so bad. so shitty. but didnt know what to do. how to fix myself. he lived in texas anyways and was planning to leave me to sail the world. so i let myself forget and bury him and everything.
this morning mom casually mentioned that he told her once that he liked me.
all the shit he put me through?! and he fucking had feelings for me?
when i say "all the shit he put me through", im not a hundo sure what im referring to.
i guess im referring to so many old entries where i describe my feelings as "eternal" and "pining". where i gushed about how lucky i was to have him in my life. where in the very next entry from that i changed my mind and became determined to live without him because i couldnt handle such intense unrequited feelings.
i loved him. and i was so scared of him because of that. he held a strong power over me. i thought he was perfect. from his head down to the way he smelled.
i cried a little this morning. for him. for the friendship i lost. im tearing up now. which is nuts. cuz ive been like...practically suicidal all year and have barely shed a tear. i dont cry. but the tears came. so easily.
that kinda surprised me..
anyways...this has taken me hours to get down- fucking work and shit.
lots of cursing in this one.
i love michael.
PS- reading old entries about him brought back MEMORIES. like i completely forgot the time that i'd been drinking, he had not, and he kissed me. when i thought he was fuckin with cari. like...out of nowhere. and we never discussed it. ugh. wtf.