10:26 a.m. - Wednesday, May. 08, 2019
work in progress
its. so. hard!
ive seen him the last two nights. but almost completely ignored him both times. even though we were within 10 feet of each other the whole time. we even slept on the same (big sectional) couch two nights ago.
i didnt say a word to him that night. i felt terrible. it was so hard. i had to ignore his lighthearted comments that i cant help but feel were intended for me.
i told him im done. and i truly try to say what i mean and mean what i say- otherwise why say anything? so im not gonna text him one day saying our friendship is over and the next time i see him act like nothing happened. gosh it was mui difficile.
but i made it through.
last night i went over to hang with kip and ivan. he was on his boat. i figured he was in for the night. i was wrong.
he was showing someone the boat, i guess, then they hung out under the tiki after. after i was already in the pool- it was too nice not to jump in and i was 3 or 4 double vodka lemonades in when i got there.
i just swam. did my laps. during a breather, 5 feet apart, he asked - having fun? and i said yep.
then after about a half hour he called out - are you a prune yet? or something like that. i said not yet or something like that and continued on.
i really hoped he wasnt paying attention to me. just focus on your friend. i wanted to be invisible. or them could be invisible. either or. but someone.
i really hoped he was watching my every move. my every stroke. i hope his friend noticed him noticing me.
oh yeah- he was being like...extra nice? he warned me multiple times that i was going to get my phone wet and offered to move it for me. then i was on the couch for a regrettable few minutes watching kip watching a dumb movie that ultimately made me go home and he came in as i realized id left my cup outside and he offered and went and got it.
he was paying attention.
i feel like he was low-key trying to get back in my good graces.
i low-key want him there. but i cant. i cant. i wont. if he doesnt admit he has romantic feelings for me then theres nothing more to say or do. i have to move on.
ok- so maybe going to his home two nights in a row isnt the best idear. mayhaps. but i didnt go to see Him. i didnt expect for him to be home. i didnt expect him to be in the house on the couch that first night. im trying to live that idgaf life. meaning not letting the possibility of seeing him chase me away from doing what i want to do.
oh yeah- at some point he asked me about patrick and his whereabouts. i mentioned that i'm waiting for him to return my house key so I can give it to ivan (who is moving in this weekend). and he says- oh, yeah? a little back door action? and i said- no. hes moving in. and he said- ivans moving in? and i said- oh, i thought you knew. he did not.
i dont know if ivan was keeping it a secret or what but...it was kinda fun to drop that bomb.
but none of it fucking matters! its over! if he doesnt tell me hes in love with me i want nothing to do with him.
that feels so harsh or callous but its the way it has to be. i cant function this way anymore! just constantly sad. i feel more lonely than ever when i hang out with him because what im looking for is sooo fucking close and yet soo impossibly far.
i was thinking about it- he liked me once. i swear he did. he'd call me just to talk. not for a ride. not to hang out. i said once- you miss my voice? and he said verbatim - yeah, i do. i dont know what happened. what i did. where i veered from his affections. i dont think ill ever know.
im good enough. for someone. but ill never find them until theres no ty.
